What did she say?
She said a lot, so bear with me, while I try to recant the entire plot. I know what you're thinking: He FINALLY did it! He finally asked me to marry him and I FINALLY said that I would...think about it. I kind of feel like I'm test driving a car, I keep putting the ring on and taking it off, my thoughts racing as fast as light, this is my fairy tale story about that night...
It was his birthday; he turned 31 and we unknowingly fell into some fun. For a moment in time, the rain stopped and so did the thunder. It was business as usual with cake, ice cream, and singing, the typical birthday blunder.
When it came time for presents, things were different this year. With all that was going on in the world, it didn't seem like much time for celebration or cheer.
As expected, birthday cards came in the mail. I thought about what I could get for him, but to no avail. I sat down to think a while longer and my feelings grew stronger. "Who was there for me when I needed anything? Who was my ride or die? Who made me laugh? Who made me cry?" I thought to myself. My thoughts turned to gratitude because the answer was him; his picture was sitting right there all along on my shelf.
I was grateful to spend his special day with him; he was special to me and I wanted him to see. I wanted more than that; I wanted him to remember this day. I wanted to make his problems melt away. For him to enjoy even just one night of fun, so I asked how he wanted to spend this one. He said, "I don't need too much. Thank you for doing all of this. Let's drink a little, eat, play music, dance and such."
I've been known to give him the gift of a trip in the past. The memories from our getaways always seem to last. Going on new adventures in different places helped reconnect our romantic bind. Reminded us what is important and melted away the stresses of the daily grind.
It felt like we needed a trip now more than ever. Things had turned toxic, a far cry from how they were when we first vowed that we were in this forever. We've been through more than what feels like our fair share in the six years since we decided to become an exclusive pair. We've faced hollow glories and victorious pain. Sometimes, they were one in the same. Other times, it was in between and still some days seem so mundane. A trip seemed out of reach though, since we weren't allowed to leave our home. But we did end up going on a trip of a lifetime after all, both together and alone.
My little brother was over at the time, when he came in the room, he learned of Brad's birthday. A light bulb seemed to go off in his head. He said, "Wow! Do you guys want to do shrooms today? I have some at home right now"
I jumped at the idea, quickly second guessing myself. I mean it was his birthday, shouldn't he have the last say? I was so happy to find that he seemed just as excited! We have talked about it in the past, but neither one of us had tried it. So, on this journey we embarked, him and I. Daring, fearless, and curious, it felt like we could soar passed the sky.
Mushrooms are a plant considered to have hallucinogenic side effects when digested. When I pictured what they did while you "trip," I imagined warped images and "seeing things" that weren't "really" there. I dreamed up beauty that would make even the toughest critic stop and stare.
My experience met my expectations and more. I did feel like I could soar. I was fearless and strong, I saw clarity for what felt like the first time in so long. There was also the tears and the sadness, thoughts of "wasted" years, thoughts of bitterness, and thoughts of madness.
Once again, at the bottom of another intoxication and medicinal tool, I found myself, a beautiful little fool. Lost in the laughter and pain, there was no hatred left, no one to blame. I found love, a lesson I've learned before. A lesson that I should have placed above all else forever more.
I was grateful for it all, the laughter and the tears. I was thankful for all the moments, "big" and "small." Every thing feels critical to this moment before me. That's a 28 year love story. A history book could be written on the triumphs and fails. Movies could be made to showcase our epic tales.
It's kind of funny that my little brother was the one who gave it to us. He is someone that I trust. I remember a time a few years ago, I was laying in my bed writing and in came my little brother with some of his friends, acting suspicious and looking like something was clearly out of place. An endearingly, but questioning smile grew nearly all the way across my face.
They seemed sheepishly ashamed of whatever it was, so I asked genuinely and at first without blame. "What are you guys up to? Did you do acid again?!"A bit of worry, slight annoyance, and anger came over me.
Immediately denying they all said, "No, no, no, it's not like that! We didn't do acid, I promise!" They seemed honest. My gaze turned to question, but still, I believed what they said. Together, they walked out of the room and I went back to writing in bed.
Then just moments later, in they came, again. This time, my brother said, "Athena, we didn't do acid, buttttt we did the other thing...."
I was confused. What was the "other thing"? I thought about it as I gazed at him from across the room. Then it hit me and a feeling of excitement, but slight worry came over me and I exclaimed, "'shrooms?! Did you guys do mushrooms?!"
"YES!" he confessed with euphoric relief in his voice. I'm fond of this memory and it's one of the reasons I made the choice. I gathered tips and tricks over the years on how to do it "safely" from other people too. So that factored into my decision and it's just a plant, my mom told me to eat mushrooms all my life, what do I have to lose? I did it during "non-business hours," I was home, the door was locked, Bradley put it in a delicious peanut butter sandwich, sans jelly, he was there for my safety and I was in a sound state of mind. I followed every safe action, you could say I did it in perfect faction.
I did throw up, but it felt more like purging out my problems, searching for a way to resolve them. I had been over eating too much, using my emotions as a crutch. He threw up too; tried to fight it and be strong, but that didn't last very long. I encouraged him to take care of himself and he did that too, but he took the best care of me, so tender, so true.
We had individual and shared experiences, physically, spiritually, and mentally. He made me a bowl of noodles in soup to eat, got me a blanket and a pillow to rest comfortably; it was very sweet.
He broke his character from the rut that he had fallen into. In his daily life, he consistently seemed a dark shade of blue. The color came back to his face and I couldn't help but feel, that he began to look more human, more real.
He laughed and smiled and I was ecstatic. Our love connection was magnetic. We flirted like we were strangers, then he held me tight and I felt safe in his arms, at least for tonight. The feeling reminded me of when we first dated and he used his charms one me. It worked so magically, back then. We both jumped in with one eye open, neither one of us realizing the other was was doing the same. In the end, we were both to blame.
Maybe we didn't see the harm in pretending because we didn't think we'd to fall in love with each other, especially not so fast, but fate had different plans for this lab tech and single mother. And fall we did, upwards to the peak. We tried to stay at the top, but eventually, down we slid. It became a pattern of toxic behavior, it felt like we both needed a savior.
But, what I saw in that room last night, was a humble man seemingly without reservations, no fright. He wasn't burdened by old mistakes. He seemed light as a feather, he was existing for existence sake.
Was this the man I fell in love with so many years ago? Hiding beneath all of that ego? Now stripped away by mushrooms? If I'd known they were medicine, I would have tried them before, but then again the timing seemed secure.
He looked at me and genuinely asked, "this is how you feel on a daily basis?" I told him sometimes yes and he began to apologize profusely. "I'm so sorry, I'm so devoid of feeling. What is wrong with me? Life feels like it has no meaning. I'm so stupid, look at you, you've put up with so much from me, I'm sorry."
"I know," was all I could mutter as the tears came streaming. I knew I was awake and not dreaming. Either way, I didn't want these moments to end. I wanted to savor them and hold on. I wanted things to be this way forever. We laughed and we cried and he was curious as to why I was sad sometimes and I told him that my full range of my emotions includes every feeling, "good" and "bad."
He said, "Oh," as he pondered. We spend moments together and others alone in wonder. We sat on the balcony together, his arms draped about me. It felt like we were in our own little jungle. He was the king and I the queen, together we could reign equally and supreme.
He felt like Tarzan(a) and I, Jane, but at the end of the movie when they finally admit that they love each other even when each drove the other insane. We noticed different things, had different experiences, that's for sure, but once our egos were dissolved, all that was left was love, so true, so honest, so secure.
For some reason, I expected the trees to become geometric and the walls to bend, but that's not what I experienced in the end. What I felt was clarity and peace. I imagined a world without disease. It didn't seem so far away from where I sat on my chair. Why couldn't we live in a world that is both kind an fair?
I laid down on the living room floor and as I rested, my thoughts began to unwind. I remembered back to a few weeks before, when I saw the ring for the first time. I guess you could say it was partly a crime. I was unpacking boxes and saw a bag from a jewelry store, Na Hoku. I didn't know what it was, but I never thought imagined a ring, especially with so much bling.
I have a few pieces from them, so I wasn't too surprised to see the bag, but what was inside made me shout. I was excited to see what treasure I had forgotten about. Maybe it was the earrings he bought one anniversary, maybe it was the chain, in any case I was excited to see it again. But when I opened that box and to my genuine surprise, it was a beautiful diamond ring that I saw with my eyes. How could that be? A ring? Immediately, all the feelings came flooding in.
It wasn't a clear answer, at least not in that moment. I thought back on memories, I had a list of pros an cons, I needed to consider every component. I got overwhelmed and shut the box. I walked out of the room and returned to folding socks. I walked up and down the hallway, my heart was still pounding. I thought I was dreaming for a second so I quickly checked my surrounding. I went back in the room and opened the box again and that's when it hit me for real, that's when I began to feel.
I picked up the phone, drafted a message, edited it, and sent it. I had to know what he meant by it. I had to know that we were at least communicating right this one time. It was sweet as candy and sour as lime.
I don't remember the entire novel I wrote, but I told him I found it. At first, he was upset that I was going through his stuff. He thought that I ruined the surprised so he began to huff and puff, but I genuinely didn't mean to commit that crime. I was innocent this time.
Of course, I had to ask if I could try it on for a while. He gleefully said, "Yeah, of course!" I could picture him in that moment, on the other side of the phone, trying to be mad, but unable to hide his smile.
We really didn't talk about it until my thoughts started to drift the night of his birthday while I was laying on the living room floor. I think if mushrooms do one thing, they break down that door. That door that doesn't allow you to express what you want for real, that door that doesn't allow you to feel. The ring came to mind in that moment of love and pain, but love took over and made me insane.
So, I asked excitedly, "Please baby, can I see the ring?" He smiled like a schoolboy and then went to go get the thing. He came back and had the cutest expression of what I can only describe as slight shame and complete love, no aggression. I wanted nothing more than to give him the biggest hug; love was our drug.
He fumbled with the box and with his words too. I couldn't figure out what he was trying to do. I just wanted to see it and it felt like he was making me wait. But to him this moment was bigger than a ring that could fit on my hand. It was an act of love, so epic and grand.
I began to grow impatient with him talking so much, I just wanted to see the ring, that he could easily bring. We both laughed at his cuteness and my annoyed reaction. He said he couldn't just give it to me, he had to do it the proper way, so he got down on one knee and began to say...Honestly I don't remember what more he said because at this point I just really wanted to see it, but I appreciated him trying to be thoughtful and sweet.
But I do remember getting asked that life changing question, "Athena Juman, will you spent the rest of your life with me?"
I said, "I'll think about it, but I'm keeping this ring. It's so beautiful," as I smiled with glee.
"Of course, I bought it for you," he said as he came and laid down next to me on the floor. It was in a way that indicated that he was a little disappointed in myself, he said that he knew it wasn't princess cut, which I told him was my favorite.
"It's OK!. I love this ring...it's so beautiful...Did you think of me when you saw it?"
"Yeah, of course, immediately," he said as he kissed me on the head and cheek.
"It's perfect, thank you for thinking about me," I said as we looked into each other's eyes.
So maybe this snow not so white did find her prince sometimes charming, all parts of him, from the beautiful to the alarming.
I really do have to think. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to smoke, and I want to drink. I don't know what the time period is called between getting proposed to and deciding. Maybe I don't know the name for it because it's so short lived in all the movies, but as for me and my fairy tale ending, let's just say, this one is still pending.
What did he say?
Ok, so obvious he's not the best with words, or maybe he's just doesn't like writing and talking as much as me. Here is the video and some pictures of his journal that I took without his permission.
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