I love it when couples come up with their own love phrases for each other. My little brother and his girlfriend used to say, “I love you five-ever.” My boyfriend and I used to say, “I love you to the moon and back, but ONLY once.”
I asked my coworker what he has planned for him and his fiancé for Valentine’s Day and he turned on his darth vader voice to reply, “You mean the 14th?”
On bumble, I was accused of catfishing. Should I take that as a compliment?
Date the package, not the potential.
Do you ever notice how people that want to organize high school reunions are always the girl who married their high school sweetheart?
I was at the Toyota Service Center and had an in depth conversation with the check in guy about how unfair the distribution of wealth is in Los Angeles and how people become so depressed so easily because they confuse money with happiness. Toyota guy mistakes my realness for flintiness. Why would you speak openly about your wife and then try to hit on me afterwards? Besides, are you stupid enough to think a girl this secure would need to flirt with a married man?
I fell in love with the girl, not the filter.
Consistent sex is a victory.
Each human being is a piece of art. Sex is the ultimate form of interactive art.
I would go on a date with you, but I hear all the “good ones” are taken, so please excuse me while I go bark up that married guy’s tree.
There’s an actual song called, “Beer Never Broke My Heart.”
I asked Aziz Answari on a date on Instagram; he never responded. Then I looked and saw that he was following zero people and realized it's probably for the best.
My sister was supposed to go on a date with a guy named Doug. He stood her up, now we call her Doug-less.
I’m convinced that my boyfriend and I can’t break up because our sex is on fire.
Can’t I smile at you because I’m a nice person, not because I’m interested in you.
My mother in law: you know before google came out, me thought they were always right.
My brain remembers a lot of shit that my heart doesn’t.
It might be true that 99% of men suck, but you only need one, so that still leaves millions of option.
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